I had a day last week where I did 8 loads of laundry. In the midst of the laundry, I took all 4 kids to the grocery store for a real we-need-everything kind of a trip (Blaise had actually taken a random morning nap so since I knew he wouldn't go down early in the afternoon, we left right after lunch at 12:30 and didn't get back till 2:30... whew!). That same day, I also had dinner made (full disclosure...it turned out to be one of the only things I have ever made that none of us liked at all; so we pretty much fed the kids peas and yoghurt then made a frozen pizza for us after the children were in bed), the kids had baths, and they were all in bed on time.
Word to the wise...laundry day and grocery day are probably best scheduled on their own separate days.
But the point is that it actually happened!
We have four children. Our oldest just turned 5. Our youngest is 17 months. And for the first time in a very long time, it feels like we are emerging.
It's not so much about survival anymore.
Vacation really was eye-opening for me. I mean, we still had moments of whining and we had to discipline disobedience and the simple liveliness of four small children got the better of us sometimes. But overall, it was fun. We enjoyed being together. It wasn't as hard as I imagined it would be. It truly wasn't chaotic. It felt safe. It just worked.
And since we've been home...
There is more heart-felt laughter.
There are more real conversations about real issues outside of our home; and issues within.
There is more vision, less day-to-day.
There is more space to see one another, hear one another.
There is less juggling, more breathing.
In myself, I am recognizing a letting go of the need to stay in control so it doesn't all fall apart.
And there is gratefulness.
I think I finally understand why women with grown children can look right at me, with my shopping cart full of kids, and tell me to seize the day! Treasure these moments! I used to always think that they were a bit too far removed, you know? They just don't really remember. I mean, the sleepless nights, the waiting to eat till everyone else is fed, the whining, the arguing, the fits, the physical exhaustion, the potty training, the mealtime battles, the noise and the craziness, and all the other stuff...they just can't remember, I would think. But now I'm not so sure. Perhaps they do remember. Perhaps they really remember. But they know what I have not quite been willing to believe till now...
It will not be this way forever.
When we were in the thick of the baby thing, I pretty much kept my head down and stayed focused. It was simply what I did and it was how life looked. I did it one day and knew I would do it the next. I knew in my heart that it was just a season, but it's hard to know what "just a season" means when you're right in the middle of it. And I never really thought about how it would feel to emerge.
Let's just say, it feels free.
Please don't get me wrong (and children, when you read this in the future, I want you to hear my heart), I loved the baby thing. I would do it all again in a heartbeat. While we sense the Lord calling us to something different, I had to grieve a bit that we were doing "baby" for the last time with Blaise. There is almost nothing else in the world like nursing our babies that made me, on a purely raw level, feel like I was created to do something. And nothing else like having 4 children under the age of 4 could have stripped me of myself the way that season did.
So when I say we're emerging, it's not that we are now free to be who we used to be. Because God didn't do all that work in us during the survival to let us go back to where we were before.
I'm emerging more aware than ever of my weaknesses and my need for grace. I'm emerging drinking in deep of where we've been and what He's taught me. I'm emerging finding Him in the spaces. I'm emerging grateful.
Today I took the children to the library for Toddler Time then went to Target for a few things. We met Shane for lunch at Chick-fil-a. He went back to work and the 5 of us drove over to the mall for a stop at the Gap. The three little kids fell asleep on the way home; two of them kept sleeping when I put them in bed and the other two had "rest time" till 3 like normal. I zipped through the house to tidy up a bit and we had friends over for dinner.
A year ago I never would have thought a day like today would be possible. But here we are. Emerging.
